4th May

It's been an extremely, surreal, day.

My day started at 3.13am, a detail I remember only because I awoke from a dream and checked my alarm clock. It was a nice dream with a strange mix of me peeping at Ramin Karimloo on stage (and somehow being served iced orange juice in a plastic cup), then coming across - in a carpark - the one and only Henry Cavill, who was wearing a baseball cap backwards like a total skater dude, and me calling him "dashing",  and finally another scene of me trying to figure out which bin to recycle my plastic straws in.

(Special mention of a previous dream from Sunday which consisted of me meeting Tom Hiddleston, and him kindly offering to sign his autograph with a handful of glitter pens. That was an amazing dream).

So I awoke, checked my alarm, and somehow couldn't get back to sleep again. Tossing and turning and replaying the Henry Cavill scene. I'm not complaining, but I rarely get a bad night's sleep, so it was strange how hot I felt my body was and how I couldn't get back to sleep.

Sunrise came and I did my usual exercise, it was cloudy and wet after a night full of rain. I left my windows open and the 2nd strange thing happened, 2 birds, hummingbirds I believe, somehow flew all the way up to the 3rd floor where I was, fluttered in and out of the window (yes they flew INTO my room), and there was a "bang" when one of them hitt the glass of my window, followed my startled scream, and then they were gone.

So to summarize so far, nice dreams, but no sleep, and then hummingbirds crashing on my window. So strange.

And then.

I got a call that my grandma passed away next door.

This was the strangest. All of us just sitting around, looking at my grandma, growing cold, waiting for the doctor to come. I stole a quick moment with the curtains closed around her to say my goodbyes. A few hours later, I watched men in their uniforms wrap her in 2 plastic sheets, and then place her in a dark body bag, like a mummy being wrapped up and sent away. I've never seen a dead body that wasn't in a coffin before. It's like, all at once, everything's changed.

She's in a better place now. She's not suffering any more.

In the midst of all these, while we waited for the relevant people to come,  I was also working on emails - notifying all my customers that I very sadly have to delay all deliveries again - when I got a call from a Channel 8 producer asking me if I could work on a feature for her. I struggled with my mandarin, not knowing how to explain to her that something just happened in the family and I wouldn't be able to work on anything in time for her deadline...

So all in all, just having all these things happen within the same 12hour timespan, I'm having a hard time processing everything.

I don't think it has sunk in yet. Even as I type this. I just feel like I'm in a weird headspace.

.

I am also very surprised that I can still access this blog and type this. 

september

Just wanted to say what a great month this has been, albeit crazy intense, with a messed up sleep schedule, but so good for MP&B.

I just came back from a workshop with Barclays - always wanted to teach at the Marina Bay Financial Building, to step into that fancy corporate world for a day. Taught a group of 10 ladies on the 27th floor with a great view - highest floor I've taught on!

Wednesday was crazy. I was in talks with HB to do a video shoot focusing on my flowers and my creative process. Silly me, I assumed it would be like in a month's time, but they told me on Monday that the shoot was on Wednesday, and so began some MAD MAKING. This was so absolutely crazy fun though, it really challenged me and pushed my boundaries, making things like bugs and logs. Its for Chanel - their fall/winter collection was themed around the forest, so thinking dead leaves and browns.

So I showed up at this studio in Ubi on Wednesday morning not knowing what to expect. The photographer is apparently famous and has shot celebrities like Naomi Campbell and Michelle Yeoh - aha yes I totally took advantage and tried to dig out as many celebrity stories as I could from him. He's been in the industry for over 10 years, and wow, I'm just so amazed by how down-to-earth he was, and how he made an effort to ask about me and my business and my future plans.

And of course the HB editor came along with a suitcase full of Chanel goodies. I was curious about the fate of these items after the shoot, and he told me, rather matter-of-factly, that they'll be sent back to Paris and burnt if not used. Isn't the fashion world a little ridiculous sometimes? I've never heard of this practice until the Burberry scandal came out last week. Kinda makes you rethink the value of these luxury goods - that the brands rather burn them then devalue them in the markets.

Also excited to continue working with The Body Shop! This has been intense too, as I'm single-handedly making props for multiple stores - just heard today that the props have been sent to Hong Kong and are well-received, gosh, I'm beaming!

Oh, last week with Yoku Moku. You know, I have to say I've always had a little bit of prejudice against influencers, but that day I discovered that food influencers and fashion ones are on completely different planets - all of them were so warm and friendly, totally open to sharing their own stories - one went all the way to share her struggle juggling school and her passion for food and her parental pressures - incredible! I was making flowers from 10.30am to 7.30pm - pretty intense but the people made up for it.

So there. I feel like I've been on a high-speed train that isn't slowing down... maybe just a tad this week because I'm done with my big events, now its weddings!

Needless to say, I'm very happy with where MP&B is now! Maybe still not at the stage where I can hire help, but its good enough for me!

photoshoot

Realizing that I didn't even post about the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot! Now that the issue is finally out, I'm just really happy. I can't tell you how eager I've been, waiting and anticipating and furiously checking online for when the issue is released.

It all started back in July when I got an email asking if I was interested to do a shoot. I didn't get a lot of details, so I was pretty much a nervous wreck. Going into my first meeting, I made it a point to emphasize that I've never done any fashion editorials before, and thank goodness, my contact was so confident in me, and really bolstered me by never showing a single doubt that I could do it or that she was looking for anyone else.

So the day came and I lugged my ikea bags of flowers and tools and extra paper to the set - reporting at 8.30am to a little studio with a white wall and a small make-up vanity and changing room.  I was the first one since I needed to get the installation ready - she had boxes ready for me to fill up with flowers. Then later the model came in along with her hair and make-up team, plus the photographer. I kind of just kept to myself, made myself busy, and then hid in a corner when it was about time to start shooting. Everyone was great, I think I was just trying to soak in as much as I can - the lights, the fashion. It wasn't glamorous - I've heard some things said to the models that would make any girl squirm, as if the models were objects and not human beings, but it seemed so natural in that setting, like it was a matter of fact.

We didn't end until about 5, and in between the morning and then I was just doing minor adjustments here and there, moving boxes around, throwing flowers in the air at one point (the photo didn't make the cut). My heart sinks thinking about all the shots that didn't make the final 4, we did SO MANY takes. Just watching how the stylists choose and dissect each photo - from how soft the fingers look to the overall sense of whether there's flow or movement... I would have gone crazy trying to sift out 4 photos from the 100s and 100s.

You know I went in with low expectations, wasn't even sure if my name would be printed. In the end, they did print my baby's name, which was wonderful, under "set designer" which I felt maybe undeserved - since all I did was stick flowers into boxes already provided.

I went in yesterday for another meeting (about another exciting project, if it passes through the red tape!), and thats when they passed my my copy. After weeks of anticipation it was wonderful to finally get those photos in my hands, and I was excited to post it and share it with the world!

I did it on my personal instagram first because I just felt like with my career choice, its not something that everyone understands and accepts, and maybe a lot of the people I know aren't even aware of what I do, so I really wanted to share this accomplishment. I feel like having my flowers in this upscale fashion magazine validates my worth and my choice to stick it out.

I hate to even say this, I felt the response from my people was... in my honest opinion...lukewarm - HEY I'm not expecting everyone to come congratulate me and be impressed - it is only 4 pages, maybe its not a big deal. And to the people who did share in my joy, THANK YOU, even an emoji was very much appreciated, it means you've got my back and that's all I wanted. If you were annoyed, I really wasn't trying to brag, I'm just very proud of my work and thought well if there's a time to gloat this would be it.

It didn't help matters that after posting on my public instagram account, I had an immense outpouring of love and support in my inbox. That made my heart melt, but I still couldn't help but compare it to my own circle of friends. Here are strangers across the world telling me how proud they are of me, and I didn't even get that from my own people. Sure, we can say its an Asian thing not to show emotions and express support verbally,  but this is my truth in realtime - I felt GUILTY after posting about the shoot in my own instagram. So much so I wanted to delete everything. Guilty for trying to show off.

It could be me - I've built this up so much that right now I'm crashing down from my own expectations. I didn't want thunderous applause, just a little more acknowledgement that validates this accomplishment. HAHA. At this point I still seek validation from others - its annoying and boy do I know it.

joking

M (I'm not being consistent with the letters because I've lost track so I'm just using random alphabets now aha) texted me again today. Its so funny to me. Whenever I feel like I'm back on track, that I'm happy and heart-healthy, I get a text from him and everything shifts again and I'm back to being very uncool and just waiting for the phone to 'ding'. So unhealthy, I know, I'm ashamed of myself, sometimes I get even sick to my stomach. And I DO KNOW. So I've been trying to get a grip.

And I made a joke. He asked if I wanted to meet his new G and I was like can I bring my boyfriend. Aha. Honestly I don't know why I did it, maybe it was just to see how he reacted, to plant that thought in his head, maybe it was to get back at M for all the stuff he put my heart through. So anyways, I did it, and it lasted for a while before I came clean and admitted that it was an innocent prank. Nah nothing dramatic happened, not like in the movies, but yes I do carry a little hope still in my heart. Again, unhealthy, I DO KNOW, but what is a girl to do?

parent

Oh hey old friend.

There's been a lot of thoughts these past months, about adulting, about my insecurities - I have now come to terms with the roller-coaster that is life - whether I like it or not, there will always be high points and low points - its just about getting through the lows and savouring the highs.

Recent events have got me thinking about what its like to be a parent. Its not enough to just make sure your kid has a good education and survives in the world - I now know people (be it family or friends) who are LGBTQ, or have secretly married someone overseas. Not saying that either of that is wrong, or bad, but just thinking from the parents POV, these are things they've never experienced or never could imagine from their generation.

Last week I was struggling with one of my biggest insecurities - my job. The irony of it all - this brand is my baby and I'm so proud of what I've accomplished on my own (with God's Grace), yet its something I always have trouble with when strangers ask me about it. Someone mentioned that it was an "easy job" and I went home bawling.

I know full well that not everyone will understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, I accept that. Yet I still get so worked up with the littlest remarks without fail. Something I'm really ashamed of, makes me wonder if I really am proud of my work?

So yes sometimes I do get stuck in a funk, and I'll cry until my eyes are sore the next day. But I'll remind myself that I believe I'm a good person and that its not about money or status, and that I rather inspire and stay true to myself than please everyone and anyone.

and fathers too

Last night my dad came up and asked me about following someone on facebook and instagram - apparently he panicked because he accidentally click follow on my bro's new gf account, and it was just hilarious. Yes we're the family who likes to stalk my bro's gfs on social media AHA.

If you've met me recently you would know I've taken this change very hard. I think about all the time, energy, and emotions I've invested in B, not that she did anything wrong, but its almost like I've broken up with her too. Did I prepare myself to take her in as a sister? Yes. Did I buy things for her when it reminded me of her? Yes. Not saying I'm super generous or doting or anything, but I think thats just how my family is with people, we give as much as we can.

So the fact that I found out one day that I'll never see her again - its not irrational to feel upset right? To see my brother holding another person's hand - you can't blame me for feeling awkward right? Again, nothing against C, but I guess again its a reminder that when you start a relationship with someone, you start a relationship with the family too. I don't understand at all how my parents are taking it so easy - or maybe they're just not showing me their real feelings. Its not about the money at all. Its about the love I think. And the fact that because the main relationship is over, all the other relationships between my family and hers are immediately severed too.

Which is why I'm glad I've never brought home a guy yet. Its not a waste, but a huge pity. I found out today that B deleted all her photos with my bro on her insta, and my heart felt broken for her. I decided to drop her a little message to wish her the best, because its just so weird that we didn't get to say anything to her at all, not even to say goodbye. People may think its weird that I reached out, but I think it helped give me some closure too, to let her know we really don't think badly of her and we want her to be happy.

mothers

Taking a minute (or more I suppose) to reflect on the week, before I get flooded in flowers.

I have a bunch of exciting projects lined up for May and it makes me nervous, most of all because many projects are still up in the air. One such project fell through today when I told them that there was no way I could deliver 90 flowers with less than 9 days to the event. Disappointing because I devoted quite some time to this idea, only to have to stall and change direction in the very last minute. Clearly they didn't respect my time so while it was disappointing due to the waste of time, I'm not too sorry about it otherwise.

Unfortunately these are the rules of the game SIGH - I'm just hoping my other projects don't fall through! Mother's day this year will be crazy for me but I'm ready to bring it!

Speaking of mothers...

I watched my mother today as she went through each drawer and cabinet in my brother's room, removing every photograph, card, gift, soft toy that was given by the ex. I just sat there and kinda laughed at how funny the whole thing was - my mom was going through the stuff to spare my brother any pain, yet my brother has clearly moved on and we - or at least I - haven't. Moments like these make me glad I was never in a serious relationship, I looked at the bag of photographs and gifts and long penned letters and I'm like I'm glad I was spared that.

I did try the rings though, couldn't help myself. My mom was like "You can have them" and I was like "GAH NO how can I wear an engagement ring meant for someone else!"

TCR

Taking a break today, giving myself a day off, because - staying 'on' the whole day can be pretty tiring!

Of course I'm referring to my participation in TCR yesterday, which was great, sad at times, but overall no regrets.

The plus, I got to meet a whole bunch of creatives, but the minus is that the exhaustion comes from being 'on' the whole time - you have to be cheerful, warm, friendly, engaging, curious, responsive, and as much as possible witty, all while you're chatting with all these different people.

Not to mention that presentation I had to give, that was on the brink of cancellation since no one was really showing up. Don't worry, I was mentally prepared, and honestly I didn't take it personally because I've seen that there were many many issues with the organizers.

It all boiled down to them being over-ambitious, and not having enough funds - I found out that in an act of desperation, they got some vendors to come down and set up booths in the last minute, and charged them a few hundred dollars for it. I was shocked because the traffic was so bad, and for them to charge money from vendors who most likely (like me) have little funds to spare, was just ridiculous. They just really should have scaled down and focused on one space.

Anyways, I'm glad I only chose to be involved on one day, because if I had to do 2 I would be absolutely discouraged. I tried to enjoy the experience as much as I can, taking advantage of the lack of participants to chat and rally with my fellow artists and crafters. As for the presentation, I'm glad I got to give it, doesn't matter if the audience didn't really cared and sat in more out of pity than interest, at least I got to practice my public speaking, and walking around with my remote. Yes, in my mind I was totally giving a TEDtalk - I even included references and different articles and everything, I was very proud of that.

the weekday

how do boys do it?

One word.

And you're...

hoping.

wondering.

puzzling. 

confused.

angry.

annoyed. 

happy.

sad. 



-

Late night poetry. Haha.

Yesterday we pretty cool, I think I tend to gain confidence when I'm out and about and being a busy bee. I started off with meeting a girl who sent me an email asking very graciously and formally if I could use an intern. I was flattered, but also knew I was by no means a mentor, and told her we could just chat instead. We did, and well turns out she's in between jobs with a background in law, and I was impressed with her interest in the business side of things. Funny thing was, I asked her what craft she specialized in, she couldn't really answer me, and said she was exploring.

Although there's really nothing wrong with that, it always strikes me strange that people would want to enter the crafting industry without first figuring out what craft they're good at or are willing to commit to. I didn't commit to paper flowers without first doing my research and actually trying my hand at it. I wasn't great when I first started, but I knew I could be. I guess, in other words, I didn't go in blind, so when people talk about all the business aspects and nothing about the craft - I get worried.

After that I went off to shop for winter clothes, I have a Japan trip coming up and I'm so pumped to see snow again!

For dinner, I met another friend, who I guess, well, needed advice. He's a good guy, but ultimately he is feeling lost and has been that way since I started chatting with him a few years ago. It used to wear me out, spending time with people who are going through depression and have a lot of self-hate, but last night I think was cool because I didn't feel worn out, I felt good, and confident. I said what I believed in, and pushed when I needed to. I believe a lot of defining emotions - I know how challenging it is because emotions fundamentally can't really be defined by mere words, I get that - but putting a label on an emotion, or at least trying to, and seeking out the root of the emotion, I think is a great way to actually 'solve' the 'problem'. Calling it a problem to solve is quite a simplification, and again words don't do justice, but you know, I've learnt that we have all these emotions and if we just wallow in them without pinpointing what they are and where they come from, we'll just be stuck, in that pit of feelings, drowning.  This was something I picked up in my own journey and helped me a lot. Which is why I'm so drawn to people who are self-aware.

Its funny because by the end of our conversation, he remarked that I hadn't shared much about myself. And I asked him "You didn't ask me a lot of questions did you?" Not in an accusing tone, but you know, just to make him reflect about our conversation. One of his biggest concerns was feelings of loneliness and well its a good time to say that friendship is a 2-way street. If you're not giving you won't get anything. I'm cool playing the therapist role, to listen and respond, but if you wanna be real friends with me, you gotta really care about my life and not just use me as a sounding board.

Not that I'm blaming him, we all need a listening ear, we all get consumed with our own problems and end up in a selfish mode. Its cool. I've learnt not to take it personally. As long as I felt I did my best to help you, I'm good.

That was a big chunk of me sprouting my emotional knowledge huh.

Well. On to my own emotional messes. Y messaged me last night - out of the blue. It made me happy, but also annoyed, because he has the tendency not to follow through. Like he'll ask a question, and I'll answer, but when its my turn to ask him the questions, he won't give a straightforward answer, and he leaves me guessing, and wondering, and confused as to why he would think of me so out of the blue. And as much as I like to joke with him, I'm clearly not a priority in his life - friend, messaging buddy, or otherwise, so I'm not gonna make him mine.

the weekend

Thankful for a very restful weekend to recharge. Met J on Saturday for a private workshop and also to pop by the cat museum. I didn't expect myself to like cats, but there I was, cradling this little kitty in my arms, stroking it to sleep, like if that doesn't melt your heart I don't know what will! It was so therapeutic for me, like I felt myself really calm and relaxed, just having this little creature on my chest - really made me think about affection and the human touch - maybe I just miss that in my life.

Sunday I went to a friend's wedding, and well I was looking forward to it all month long because I knew Y was gonna be there, and it was my chance to see him in person again. We had a good chat, the same jokes and teasing and such. But we were talking about him with another person and this guy pointed out something very revealing about Y - that he kinda has a poker face in real life, he likes to say some nonsense to distract you, and its usually harmless and funny, but it also makes you think if its just a game play you know, like is he genuine or is it a strategy, maybe he is so used to it that this is how he approaches every interaction.

Do I miss him? Yeah. Am I ok without him? Yeah. :)